Laura 324/365
Bakery in Leavenworth, Washington. March 2010. (I was told they make great
snickerdoodles.)
Guilt.
I feel guilty for sharing my story. It seems unfair that my husband doesn't
get to tell his side. I know I am not perfect. I know we were in a screaming
match, and I know that I said awful things too. The difference is though, I
didn't put my hands around his throat, push him up against an armoire, and
choke him.
There's part of me that feels like I should clarify: it only happened for a
moment, It wasn't that bad, he wasn't too forceful, I was more angry than
scared, the red marks on my neck only lasted about a day or so. But does it
really matter? I was always taught that no one has the right to lay a hand
on you in anger, ever. He did and I shouldn't have to justify his actions.
This is new and strange territory for me.
Why do I feel guilty? Why do I feel like I need to explain away the
situation?
Do I think it will ever happen again? No, I am 95% sure it won't happen
again. Does he think he did anything wrong? No, he doesn't. He blames me
for all of it.
Life is strange.
I guess I wanted my 365 to reflect my reality. Now, with these last few
updates, it does. And that's enough about this depressing topic.
6 comments:
OMG, Laura, I'm scared for you. No one should ever lay a hand on you in malice, and most definitely not your husband. And for him to say it's all your fault...wow. You feel guilty and like you have to explain it away because he has conditioned you to feel that way. I just finished reading "Verbally Abusive Relationships" and "Controlling People", both by Patricia Evans, and I can hear her words in yours. I recommend reading those books. *HUGS*
Lauren, I hear my own words being echoed in what you are saying. Please be strong and know that it was not your fault at all.
This is familiar territory for me, unfortunately! I have also battled with "he's not getting to tell his side", and "it was only for a moment, not too forceful", and "I'm also not perfect", and "I also said awful things". But the truth is, SAYING and DOING are two different things. The truth is, 95% sure it won't happen again is not enough. He's your husband, you're supposed to be 100% sure that he will only ever lay hands on you in love and respect and honour. The truth is, he should be accepting some of the blame on himself, and he should be feeling really shitty for getting physical with you. The fact that there was a screaming match tells me that there is loss of respect in the marriage in general, and you guys need to either get that back or move along swiftly! Laura, I'm so sorry you're finding yourself in this situation, and I wish you the strength and wisdom to know and do what's best for you and your son. Love and hugs, Bex
i have no experience with this...but i am just sorry you had to endure.
OMG Karen I have both of those books and a bunch of others too. I am reading Verbally Abusive Relationships now. Wow. My understanding of what verbal abuse entails was totally wrong. It's so much more than just hurtful words. The more I read, the more I see myself in its pages. I feel like I am waking up and coming out of a fog. I felt like I was dying inside but couldn't explain why. I get it now. Although now I'm pissed I let myself get here in the first place. Thank you all for your kind words and your support. You have no idea how much it means to me. I am so glad to be back on the project! I missed you all.
We missed you too! Glad you're back. Bex
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