Vixen 49/365
I have a hard time letting go. Last week, I loved him with all my heart.
Then his mom said some hateful things to me. Now I don't feel the same.
Something inside me died and I don't know how to get it back. I don't want
to become a Stepmonster- but I just can't forget what she said and act like
everything is normal.
I don't want to punish him- or make the son feel the bitterness that I have
towards his mother. I detest her and her ever stretching uterus. So now
I'm staying far away from him. But this can't go on for long. I need some
help. What can I do?
9 comments:
I am so sorry you are going through this. I think you are already way ahead of the norm just by recognizing your feelings and working toward a healthy change. That shows an amazing level of self-awareness. You should be commended.
As for the rest, I wish I had words of wisdom to offer, but I don't. Although from the sounds of your post you sound like you have a big loving heart and I have faith that you will work it out just fine.
I think it is our role as adults to make sure the kiddos never feel caught in the middle. What a lucky little boy to have you in his life caring about his feelings. It's sad that his mother sounds less than self-aware. I hope you are able to push her out of your mind and continue to love him regardless.
Therapist. Talk it out w/ someone neutral and educated on the topic. Hang in there.
I'm lucky in that my stepdaughter's mom never really took much notice of me, not because I wouldn't like it if she did, but just because that meant I didn't have to deal with it.
But, for the most part, I tried to own my role in the life of my husband and the life of his daughter. I didn't let others define it (besides the others who were involved in those relationships - my husband, my stepdaughter).
So, keep this relationship between your stepson & you, between the two of you only. Try to base it on you & him - how you treat each other, the experiences you share together. Create your own relationship - just the two of you.
You don't have to love everyone who he loves. All you have to do is respect his relationships with those people (and, as hard as it can be, remember you're an adult role model for him in your own relationships in life).
Been there. You can acknowledge the fact that he is a COMPLETELY separate person from her. He doesn't deserve to punished for her mean words. He didn't say them. The anger shouldn't be directed at him.
Children are not adults, and as such are not entirely responsible for their words.
Adults, on the other hand - Entirely responsible. Your anger? Directed at her, not him.
He is the same kid you loved last week, I assure you
I've been there. Still, we go there on about a weekly basis, for some reason or another. My stepkids' mom detests me, blames me for wrecking her life, and calls me every horrible name you can imagine, when she's mad. She brings the kids into it, puts them in the middle, makes them choose, and then more name-calling and fit-throwing. It's been three years since he left her, and still, this nutball cycle.
The answer, I think? Take the high road. Always, be civil. Don't give her the satisfaction of affecting you at all. Don't say anything negative about her to your stepson, or to your husband, just let her be an idiot and you go about your life. I wish I could say it gets better... Not yet, but it does affect me less and less each time. E-mail me, we'll talk more.
www.stepmonsters.com Unless you've been a SM, you have no idea all the complexities involved in it. This place and some others (I can suggest others if this one is too raw) really help to relate. If you join up to stepmonsters, let them know I sent you.
Actually, READ the book "stepmonsters" - it's not actually about us being "monsters" at all - and the author, Wednesday Martin is an amazing lady. I read this book nodding my head in agreement to see that so many of the things that I had felt were so so common.
I think you'll find by reading this book a lot of validation in your feelings - not that you need that.
I really like Wednesday's book - hope you like it too.
Thanks everyone for your input. I really appreciate all the advice. I can't talk to my man about it because it upsets him so...and my friends are taking the "I told you so" stance.
I feel like I'm doing something wrong, but don't know how to fix it. I actually am reading the book Stepmonsters and it's been enlightening. I guess I'm not the only one going through these issues. I just wish that everything could go back to the way it was...but she's been acting almost similar to Erica's babymama...and now she has her mother (who is a she-demon) visiting for reinforcements. Worst of all, she started saying all these negative lies about me to my mother in law...trying to destroy that fragile friendship. I can't even try to relate to her or put myself in her shoes anymore. Taking the high road seems to just give her more room to act out. I just stay far away from her.
But now it's like I have a wall built up against the kid too...and rationally I know that it's not his fault at all---but I can't let him past that wall. And now I question every action I take with him, whether I'm actually doing it for his own good, or whether I'm doing it from that other side of me.
Venting does help though...I will finish the book and I will join the website Marie. Thank you all so very much.
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