Vixen 50/365
I used to feel like I belonged to a family...a group of people that will
love you no matter what happens in your life and who you become.
Apparently, my family only loves me when I'm not being true to myself, when
I remain the 'perfect little angel' they remember.
If I do anything outside that mold, like wear jewelry, drink, curse, have
sex before marriage, live with my beloved outside of 'wedlock',....this is:
as my father so eloquently put it today, "The devil's work. You are on the
road to perdition my child."
Apparently I am disgracing the family name and bringing shame upon my family
by choosing to live life by my own set of rules. By questioning authority,
not believing in tradition, organized religion and cultural mores. By
thinking for myself, and not following the rules set forth in the Bible. I'm
a huge disappointment because I choose to live for myself.
So now, I guess for the rest of my life, I cannot be me. I just have to live
for them.
Go to church, pray, believe in Jesus, be fake, be miserable. Go through the
motions of a 'Christian life' while seething horribly
from the inside and dying a little bit everyday.
I had five years of being me, of being free. And it's just not enough.
6 comments:
honey!! well, you know i definitely know where you are coming from. LOL. you are NOT disgracing your family. you are beautiful, intelligent and they should be proud of who you are and what you've become!
You come first. You will figure out what the right thing is to do. Trust yourself. You're already there.
Or, you can just keep on being you, as long as you believe that you are leading a life that you can take pride in living. And, you can keep on loving them as they are, too, with their narrow ideas of 'right' and 'wrong'. You can accept that they need those guidelines to help them make the life decisions that you've figured out how to make outside of that box.
They'll come around eventually, if they're able, when they see that *you* are just the same person as ever inside & that you aren't anything scary at all.
Stick around *being you* and help hem to gently open their eyes.
praying for you and your family, that everyone will 'embrace grace'. if you need a non-family ear, please email me.
I do not believe in a God who wants us to be false to ourselves. I do not believe in any God that believes in punishment as "love".
And I know when I am not true to my inner voice - when I stuff it down or lock it away? I get sick. Emotionally and Physically. By the time I was 31, I had the immune system of a 83 year old woman. Shingles. Pneumonia. Strep Throat that wouldn't resolve. Irritable Bowl Syndrome.
All from stuffing that voice down.
and as to being someones child, I keep Gibran close to me:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let our bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
I am compelled to agree with the above comments. Obviously, It can be difficult, (especially when you live in a small town) but not being true to yourself will only hurt you worse in the end. Know that there are others out there that care for you and totally support you in doing your Will.
Post a Comment