Sarah 189/365
"I'm fine."
That's what I tell you, because normally when someone asks, they don't really want to know. Or maybe I am just trying really hard to protect myself.
I'm not fine. I am terrified and lonely, I have no confidence, I have no self esteem, forcing myself not to eat is the only thing that is keeping me sane, the stronger the hunger pains, the looser the clothes, the better I feel. I want to run and never come back.
I am not fine, but I CAN do this.
That's what I tell you, because normally when someone asks, they don't really want to know. Or maybe I am just trying really hard to protect myself.
I'm not fine. I am terrified and lonely, I have no confidence, I have no self esteem, forcing myself not to eat is the only thing that is keeping me sane, the stronger the hunger pains, the looser the clothes, the better I feel. I want to run and never come back.
I am not fine, but I CAN do this.
5 comments:
If you're not eating healthy, then you're *not in control* - some kind of magical thinking is.
When I was younger, I got arrested for DUI. They made me go to driving safety classes as part of my punishment. It worked - haven't driven drunk since.
One of the things that the teacher said was that many people with alcohol problems say 'I'll show you that I don't have a problem! I'll go 30 days without a drink!'. The teacher said that *that* doesn't show him anything about alcohol not being a problem in a person's life.
What would really show him that the person knew how to drink responsibly is if they had exactly one drink every day. No more, no less. It's the being able to drink in moderation that shows 'no drinking problem'.
Same goes for eating, only eating is something that you *have to* do, in order to not only live, but to maintain emotional equilibrium & daily health (and set a good example for your children, while still being able to take care of them).
Don't go cold turkey - if you do that, then you're not 'in charge', the obsession with 'being in control' is in charge. Instead, switch over to an obsessively healthy diet. Ha! That'll show 'em (even if 'them' is the feeling of needing control in your life) that nothing that they can throw at you will stop you or keep you from living a life that you know is right and good.
You're a smart, strong woman, Sarah. I know that you can not only deal with everything life throws your way -but- find growth & joy & wonder in it, too. Wake up each day. Breathe (hooray!). Decide how you're going to deal with just today. If you have the time & focus & positive attitude, today, visualize your tomorrow & take steps toward it.
life is sometimes like a rollercoster. And right now, you're going down the hill. It's gonna be tought, but one day, you're gonna find the force in to you, and you're gonna go up on the next hill.
You can do this girl, and if you find all this to hard, don't be scared to ask for help. You could be amaze to see how many person have had the same problem, but don't ever talk about it.
Good luck
i don't have any words of wisdom... just lots of hugs.
Hang in there, Sarah! Things will get better!
You're right - you're not fine! But you will be Sarah - you've GOT to believe that! My only advice I can offer is this: if one day at a time is too much right now, then take one hour at a time. Focus on the needs of you and your family and take baby steps. That's where I am right now, doing the best I can, hour by hour. And when we've survived that next hour, and our needs are taken care of, we'll find strength for another hour, and eventually, another day, and for focussing on our wants as well as our needs. You've GOT to eat properly, because you NEED the strength for the next hour, Sarah, and your kids need an example to follow! If anyone can do all this, YOU can. You are right there, too. You CAN do this!
Love, hugs, and all the vibes of strength and positivity I can muster are being telepathed to you from Africa...
Can you feel it?!
Bex
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