Sarah 316/365

I have to be done. I can't do it anymore. My presence at the hearings will make no difference. Nothing I say, nothing I get angry about, nothing I do will make any difference at all. I have to relinquish the idea of being in control of this situation. I have to see that my life is going in completely new and wonderful directions, and I have to be ok with it.

As much as it hurts, it appears that Eli will not have a relationship with his Dad until later in his life. He has started saying that he doesn't want to see his Dad anymore, that it makes hm sad and he hates it when Daddy has to say goodbye. He said he hated his Dad. I told him that it is okay for him to love his Dad, even if he is not here and even if he is angry at him.

I don't know if that is the right thing to say. Amanda asked me the other day how I don't just fall apart, my answer is I don't know.

All I know for sure at this point in time is that I have to be done, completely done.